Avoiding getting 'fuzzies' for 'friendies'

One of the greatest mysteries in life is the ever-coveted “friends with benefits” relationship (also known as “friendies”). This special type of friend can be useful because life gets too busy for a serious relationship, but we still have animalistic urges to hump and be humped.

Plenty of people have had one of these, but they rarely end well. As a result, feelings are hurt (she’s sad he doesn’t love her), tears are shed (he’s sad he doesn’t get free poon anymore), and both partners swear off these relationships forever. The last resort is a string of one-night stands. But since no one wants the clap, ground rules are needed for these situations.

The key to friendies is that no one gets too emotionally invested. This is targeted mostly at the ladies, as it’s easy for us to get too close and give away our hearts to the unreceptive (read: those heartless male bastards). This means girls must adhere to a few rules:

• Choose guys who you are incredibly attractive to you, but have some major flaw: they have the mental capacity of a blender, perhaps they’re homeless, maybe they’ve slept with your best friend. Whatever it is, keep this in mind throughout the entire process.
• Try to ensure that you’ll only be able to see him one or two times each week. Do not create a routine; this is only intended to be the sexual half of a relationship.
• Some basics: no sleepovers, don’t leave anything behind, you cannot wear his clothes, cuddling is not mandatory.
• If you hear/see that he’s talking with/screwing other girls, take no notice because it’s none of your business. This is a hard one for the feminine half to grasp, but it’s true. He’s not yours, and if it bothers you, then you should stop the sheet sweating. (It really is best to end it here because you’re supposed to be doing each other a favor, but if he’s doing many people a favor, he’s not right for the job.)
• He is your friend, so he is allowed to take you to dinner once in awhile, and you can hang out in social groups together, even when an exchange of bodily fluids isn’t on the menu.
• If you aren’t having a religious experience every time he gets in your knickers, lose him. When he’s no good in bed, and you stay, you’re defeating the purpose, having sympathy and risking the chance you may end up with warm fuzzies for him.

It’s important to remember that all of this is moot if you don’t have the heart for these antics. You must be sexually experienced, and you will most likely have a more positive outcome if you’ve had your heart broken. And remember: this is a temporary solution. Don’t fall in love with the duct tape of men.

—Nikki Todorow