"The Pick-up Artist" in velour and a cowboy hat? Puh-lease.

I recently surfed over to VH1 to enjoy some useless TV, when a new show popped up on my radar. Usually, I'm excited when VH1 comes up with a new gem to humiliate folks while letting them believe that they’re boosting their confidence. But this is an exception.

“The Pick-up Artist” takes hopeless men and teaches them how to pick up women. This is fine, it’s been done before; there will forever be men who are “putting the pussy on a pedestal," to quote a very relevant film, and end up getting none.

The problem here is the host/coach known simply as “Mystery." The contestants follow his advice, participating in the challenges, making asses of themselves. The fates of their unused peni lie in this man’s hands.

And this man is wearing a crushed velour suit from K-Mart with a Pac-Sun cowboy hat and hemp necklace, complete with black-rimmed eyes. Oh, and that’s just the evening wear. For daytime, it’s to the moon! He’s got a black beanie, goggles and a distressed leather trench coat with some decorative headphones. He sports a soul patch with a lip piercing, and some monster gauges.

Umm, I'm sorry, but what? This man, this gawky mess of genres and clichés, is giving advice on how to pick up women? Oh and check out his boy-band sidekicks: the Swedish man who is clearly gay and the goofy Indian guy from “Van Wilder.” No, I don’t think so.

If lonely men in the world want to get laid, they need to ignore this man and pretend like he doesn’t exist. He does nothing good for mankind or its aching members. He either made a deal with the devil or has a cousin at VH1.

Guys, I swear to you, it really isn’t that hard. Find a realistic target, show interest, be polite and hold back. Stop chasing those unattainable girls who will only break your heart. Don’t shower her with gifts and phone calls and plans for the future. Throw out some bait, and wait for her to come to you. There is a girl out there waiting for a guy like you to get into her panties, but if you’re wearing a Speedo and rolling around with Lance Bass, you’re not going to get any.

You don’t need books and TV and some hack who clearly stalks Tommy Lee. Just some confidence will do.

(If this isn’t enough to convince you, check out “Seduction community” on Wikipedia. That might actually help.)

— Nikki Todorow